On the brink of (can't w)in-sanity

“So…What brings you in today, Mr. Bing?”

“You ought to know by now, Doc. And please, call me ‘Jeff’.” 

“Not a problem, Mr. Bing. As I recall, you have some ‘competitive issues’ with certain professional sports teams in the area, is that correct?” 

“That’s NOT correct. Actually, I have ‘competitive issues’ with ALL of the professional sports teams in the area.” 

“Okay. Now, when we last met, you said you were a writer, or at least claimed to be. How may I help you today?“ 

“Well, you’re a psychologist, or at least claim to be. It’s just that I’m becoming convinced the Indians, Browns, and Cavs will never, ever be good enough to justify the torture I’ve endured for the last half-century or so from supporting these teams.” 

“Okay…Can you give me a specific example of what’s bothering you?” 

“Doc, I can give you a bazillion examples. But, in the interest of brevity – along with the fact you have a mighty steep hourly rate – I’ll just give you a few. For instance, I’ve been very critical of the Mike Holmgren regime – not to mention Randy Lerner’s entire reign as owner of the Browns. But now, when it finally looks like they drafted wisely and might have actually gotten a clue as to what it takes to successfully run a NFL franchise, Lerner decides to sell to another guy who very well may bring in his own people and blow up the whole thing – and start all over again. I’m not sure I have another ‘do-over’ in me. I just can’t take another…” 

“Are you crying?” 

“No…it’s…allergies. Yeah, that's it…allergies. Anyway, the thing is, as crazy as the Browns situation is, the Indians franchise – of late, anyway – make the Browns look like the picture of stability. Thanks to the moves of Chris Antonetti and his predecessor over the last decade or so, we have marginal talent, a marginal farm system and as a result, less-than-marginal fan support. And those two ‘moves’ before the trading deadline, Lars Christian Anderson and Brad Lillibridge? The only ‘bridge’ I’m interested in at the moment involves the I-480 bridge and, collectively speaking, Indians fans are ready to take a flying swan dive…” 

“Are you crying again?” 

“NO! Highly-trained professionals such as myself (sniff) DO (sniff) NOT (sniff) CRY (sniff-sniff)! Anyway, add everything I’ve said so far to what the Cavs have done: After the no-brainer of drafting Kyrie Irving numero uno last year, Chris Grant has followed (fouled?) up with some highly questionable picks – the Waiters move has some recalling the glory days of Ted Stepien – and I, for one, can’t take it anymore. Can’t you help me? Please?” 

“Well, I’m sure we can make some progress with…” 

“Oh, jeez, look at the time. The Tribe starts in 15 minutes, the Cavs summer league game is on the tube, and I don’t want to miss the report from Browns training camp…I gotta run. Let’s pick this up where we left off next appointment, okay, Doc?” 

Jeff Bing

Lifelong Westlake resident who dabbles in writing whenever the real world permits. My forte is humor and horror...What a combo!

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Volume 4, Issue 16, Posted 10:27 AM, 08.07.2012