Pavlov's dog pound

Ever wonder just why you follow Cleveland sports fully knowing that you are likely to be disappointed yet again – for the umpteenth time? Ever wonder what guys like Freud, Jung, and maybe even Pavlov would classify you as, if they had the chance? Hmm...I see you shaking your head 'no' while reaching for a No. 2 pencil at the same time. Frankly, I'm concerned about you already.

Here's the deal: I will ask you a series of sports-related questions. Your job: Answer them. Take all the time you need. However, if you're still contemplating the best answer for question No. 2 by the time the next issue of the Observer comes out, you're taking this a bit too seriously.

When you're done, I'll analyze your answers and tell you how far out-of-touch you are.

1) How long have you followed Cleveland sports?
    A) < 5 years
    B) > 5 years but < 10 years
    C) > 10 years but < 20 years
    D) > 20 years
    E) What the heck do the symbols "<" and ">" mean?

2) The franchise most likely to reach the playoffs the soonest is the:
    A) Browns
    B) Cavs
    C) Indians
    D) Gladiators
    E) Rockers (or Crunch) (or Barons)

3) Best owner of a Cleveland sports franchise in last 20 years? (Yes, I realize Jimmy Haslam is undefeated, and thank you.)
    A) Dick Jacobs
    B) Dan Gilbert
    C) Gordon Gund
    D) Art Modell
    E) Larry Dolan

4) MATCHING: Match the former Cleveland franchise with its sport:
    A) Spiders                            1) Baseball
    B) Crusaders                        2) Hockey
    C) Pipers                              3) Basketball
    D) Gladiators*                      4) Football
    E) Green Horde (not Hornet!)  5) Rugby

    * It's only a matter of time

5) Who is the starting quarterback for the Browns?
    A) Brandon Weeden
    B) Colt McCoy
    C) Seneca Wallace
    D) Bernie Kosar
    E) Otto Graham

6) Who is Roberto Hernandez, really?
    A) A lousy pitcher, by any name
    B) Fausto Carmona
    C) Josh Tomlin
    D) Lily Tomlin
    E) Wile E. Coyote

7) Where were the just-completed Olympics held?
    A) England
    B) United Kingdom
    C) Great Britain
    D) Great Scott
    E) Mediocre Britain

8) If you batted ten times and had three hits, that would make you:
    A) A .300 hitter
    B) A .700 non-hitter
    C) Better than anyone on the Indians
    D) Better than everyone else, period.
    E) Would you repeat the question?

9)  A train leaves Cleveland traveling at 60 mph, while one simultaneously leaves London at 120 mph. When will they intersect?
    A) Never
    B) Half past three
    C) 31, except February, which has 28
    D) A & B are correct
    E) All except the wrong one are correct

10) The last question! I'm thinking of a number between one and ten. What is it?
    A) Seven
    B) Eleven
    C) The square root of 101
    D) That's easy. You take the sine of 113 and divide it by the cosigner of my car loan.
    E) Can I go to the bathroom?

Okay...Pencils down! That wasn't so bad, now was it? The answers are calculated as follows (with the exception of No. 4): For each question you selected answer A, give yourself 4 points. If you selected answer B, give yourself 3 points; C = 2 points, and so on. For question No. 4, give yourself a point for each correct answer (Hint: the team and respective sport are directly across from each other).

You can amass a total of 41 points if you are of "Genius" status. Here's how it breaks down: 36-41 points, "Expert"; 32-35, Certified "Know-it-all"; 28-31, Certified "Know-some-of-it-all"; 24-27, Knows very little; < 24, De-certified Imbecile.

Didn't do as well as you'd hoped? Don't feel bad - Sigmund Freud only scored a 26. Hey...I had to test it on somebody! 

Jeff Bing

Lifelong Westlake resident who dabbles in writing whenever the real world permits.

Read More on Sporting Views
Volume 4, Issue 17, Posted 10:04 AM, 08.21.2012