Par for the course

I am not a big fan of golf, never really have been. Golf is one of those sports which you have to play somewhat consistently, and have a real desire to get better, in order at realize any appreciable measure of success.

Unfortunately, neither attribute applies to me. And as far as watching golf on the tube? Honestly, I'd rather sit in front of my window and watch the grass grow, or wait impatiently for the mother ship to come rescue  me, so I could at least talk sports with the aliens (once I mastered their lingo).

I bring the subject of golf up because my son Jason is getting married in August, and we recently had a couples shower for he and Julie, his bride-to-be.

What's that? A "couples shower," you say? Yep, you heard correctly. This phenomenon is relatively new, because this just didn't happen back in the day. Back then, it was a girls only event, allowing the guys to sleep in. Besides, isn't everyone getting together on a special day to lavish the happy couple with gifts supposed to be called a wedding? I don't know who first promoted the concept of a couples shower but I'm betting he/she was somehow involved in retail. Who knows, it's probably the same joker who blessed us with Sweetest Day.

Anyway, the point of all this is that because everyone was together for the weekend, we decided to hit the links for nine holes on Saturday, and then follow that with another 18 on Sunday. Hey, it sounded good – on paper.

However, did I mention that the last time I'd golfed prior to this was last August with my then soon-to-be son-in-law Mike, a few days before he and my youngest daughter wed? To say my game was a little rusty is like saying Joan Rivers has a had a lot of work done. I mean, no kidding.

As luck would have it, on Saturday we golfed at a course which was loaded with water hazards. In fact – and perhaps this is the heat talking – I could have sworn I saw the Goodtime II pass by when I teed off on hole number seven. Fortunately, I was prepared and bought a dozen extra balls to supplement the dozen I started with. Seriously. And, my highlight of the weekend was when I chipped in from about 40 yards to birdie the last hole, number nine. Not very often I get a two – even in miniature golf.

Naturally, because of the way I finished on Saturday, I entered Sunday with totally unrealistic expectations about my golf abilities. With the momentum I carried over from the day before, I was starting to think "tour." Unfortunately, my skills were thinking "sewer" – and my skills won that battle. In fact, it wasn't really a battle; more like a massacre.

To give you an idea of how poorly I played, I accidentally left an iron on the 14th or 15th hole. When I realized I'd left it behind, I was so disgusted I honestly had no intention of seeing that iron again – ever. But, just to rub salt in the wound, a guy who was playing in the group behind us came over while we were finishing up on number 17 and returned the club. The poor guy had NO idea how close he came to becoming an accessory to murder – his own.

It occurred to me why I think I was so upset we didn't have couples showers years ago, before my wife and I got married: I know exactly what I would have requested for our shower gift...

Golf lessons.

Jeff Bing

Lifelong Westlake resident who dabbles in writing whenever the real world permits. My forte is humor and horror...What a combo!

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Volume 5, Issue 13, Posted 10:29 AM, 06.25.2013