Testing your patience

It was a little over a year ago that I sparked a firestorm of angst on these pages with a seemingly simple questionnaire, designed to gauge the aptitude of loyal readers (and boy, that person was mad) with a highly scientific psychological test called "Pavlov's Dawg Pound." Now, having had sufficient opportunity for the wounds of reality to heal, I have deemed it appropriate to put your proverbial feet, dear reader, to the fire once again.

This time I've been advised by legal counsel (as well as my probation officer) NOT to ask that you furnish your Social Security, driver's license, and valid credit card numbers (for verification purposes only, as I tried to explain to Judge Judy) since that supposedly will somehow be in direct violation of my parole (they're getting to be real sticklers in the courthouse, aren't they)? Anyway, since I'd like to have the ankle bracelet off by Christmas, I have complied with their wishes, and toned it down.

So, between bites of turkey, stuffing, and that sick feeling everyone gets when Aunt Elaine announces she's lost one of her fake fingernails – and now you could swear that last helping of sweet potatoes tastes surprisingly similar to undercooked plastic – try and answer the questions to the best of your ability.

It will take your mind off the fact that you'll probably have to have your stomach pumped at some point later in the evening, because it's subsequently revealed Aunt Elaine's lost all of her fake fingernails somewhere between the turkey and the cranberry sauce. And why is that stuffing so shiny, anyway?

First of all, understand that this is a timed test, so no lollygagging. Second, there is no changing of your answers; therefore, you have to take the test with a No. 2 pen, not pencil. Good luck finding one on Thanksgiving. You have until I say "Time's up!" to complete the test. I'll explain your answers after the test is over. Good luck. Who knows, this may get you into Harvard.


1) Right now, all things being unequal, who would win a game of "horse" between Tony Bennett, the singer, and Tony Bennett, the Cavs No. 1 draft choice?

a) The singer. Because although he left his heart in San Francisco, Tony Bennett the player left his skills period.
b) That's easy. Wait ... I had it on the tip of my tongue ... give me a minute ...
c) That's not fair. Tony Bennett the singer is 60 years older than the basketball player. He's had a lot more time to work on his inside game.
d) No, it's extremely fair.
e) All of the above. 

2) Which NBA general manager is the most likely to lose his job before Christmas?

a) Chris Grant
b) Ulysses S. Grant
c) Pell Grant
d) Vagrant
e) Answer "F"
f) Answer "E"

3) Chris Grant has been accused of going against the grain and selecting people relatively unheard of because supposedly he thinks he's smarter than everyone else in the NBA. If Chris Grant was a cab driver and picked you up on the corner of East Ninth & Carnegie, and you told him to "Take me to Ontario," he would most likely:

a) Head south
b) Head east
c) Heads up
d) Drive off the East Ninth Street Pier, thinking you meant Ontario, Canada, claiming he "knew a shortcut."
e) I would prefer a bus, thank you.

Time's up! That's right kids, pens down. We're out of time and – more importantly – out of space, so suffice to say that if you didn't finish the test you fail. And the only acceptable score is 50 percent. That's right, 50 percent. (In other words, you can forget about Harvard). Better luck next year, and Happy Thanksgiving.

Jeff Bing

Lifelong Westlake resident who dabbles in writing whenever the real world permits. My forte is humor and horror...What a combo!

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Volume 5, Issue 24, Posted 9:50 AM, 11.26.2013