What will 2014 bring for Cleveland’s pro sports teams?
You ARE sitting down, right?
Good. I hate to see people crying while standing at the same time – it’s not a good look. And I know, I know … how could one ever speak disparagingly about our beloved sports teams in this hotbed of perennial sport success? I mean, it (all this constant winning) gets old after a while, doesn’t it?
Anyway, I broke out the old crystal ball, looked at the Cavs, Indians and Browns, became ill, and put the ball away. However, being the trouper that I am, and knowing that my reader(s) will tolerate only the journalistic best from the Observer (and here’s hoping that someday Tara will be able to deliver on that) I will forge ahead and report on what I saw. And folks, it ain’t "perty" …
Cavs: So, let’s see if I have this straight: Bynum’s a bust. Bennett’s a bust. Brown’s a bust. Irving and Waiters would like to bust each other up. Seriously, what’s not to love about this team? I like where they’re headed. All I can say is, “Waiters, check, please.” (That’s a little basketball humor there, folks).
Indians: So, let’s see if I have this straight: We lost almost all of our bullpen, two of our starters, but we still have the perennial underperforming crybaby, Asdrubal Cabrera, on the roster. And we’re filling the two starting pitching jobs with Carlos (just call him "Tabasco") Carrasco, and Josh Tomlin. The sad thing is, Josh only rates second on the list of “The Tomlins I’d like to see in Cleveland” list, because if we were getting Mike, that would be worth getting excited about. Yes, I know Mike is the head coach of the Steelers (wrong sport), but let me dream for a second, will you?
But fear not – the Indians did do a good thing over the winter, by signing Jason Giambi for another year. I mean, whenever a team signs an over-the-hill veteran and he has a fairy-tale season – as Giambi did in 2013 – it always works the second time around, doesn’t it? Absolutely it does, about as good as Sylvester Stallone’s facelift did. (“Yo, Adrianne…I look like Joan Rivers.”)
If signing Giambi is the highlight of the off-season, that’s what the Tribe will have in 2014: an "off" season. (There’s no stopping me when I’m on a roll like this, folks).
Browns: Mike Lombardi, Joe Banner and Jimmy Haslam are walking along (presumably talking Browns draft choices) when they come upon a set of tracks. “They’re deer tracks,” says Lombardi. “Nope, they’re elk tracks,” claims Banner. “You’re both idiots,” says Haslam. “It’s obvious they’re moose tracks.” Shortly thereafter the train struck them.
Unfortunately, I used valuable word space above to indicate the esteem of which I hold the Browns’ current cumulative "brain-trust". Barkevious Mingo? Davone Bess? Paul Kruger? Remind me again why I should be excited that we have all those draft picks this spring.
Oh yes, yes, NOW I remember … these guys know what they’re doing. Much like Savage, Mangini, Holmgren …
Honestly now: What says Happy New Year better than talking Cleveland sports?
Lifelong Westlake resident who dabbles in writing whenever the real world permits. My forte is humor and horror...What a combo!