What I don't want to see this summer

Someone asked me recently what I wanted for Father’s Day. After a few moments of thought and personal introspection I replied, “To be around to see next Father’s Day.”

“No, seriously,” he said.

“All right then, enough with the funny business,” I said. Ironic that I then rattled off a Father's Day laundry list of things I didn’t want to see happen this summer. I mean, I found the fact that I answered a request for "wants" with a list of "didn’t wants" virtually dripping with irony. Not to mention funny.

After the laughter subsided, I thought about why I’d answered the question in the manner I had. Why did I tell him what I didn’t want to see rather than what I did? Is the psyche of your typical Cleveland sports fan (in this case, me) so emotionally battle-scarred from years and years of disappointment that we curl up into the fetal position and go into "protect mode" whenever someone asks a simple sports question?

Maybe the only way to answer that question is to think back to the answers I gave about things I said I didn’t want to see this summer. Then, maybe we’ll get to the bottom of this. Maybe.

1. I don’t want to hear one more air-headed expression of hope that LeBron “returns” to the Cavaliers one of these days. As much as I want a championship, I don’t want it because LeBron decided to do us all a big favor and throw us a championship bone.

2. I can’t tolerate any more of the “Brohio” play on words nonsense from Nick Swisher. It’s only cool if he’s actually contributing to the team. Right now Mr. “Br0-for-four” is nothing more than a $14 million cheerleader. He’s actually starting to make me miss Travis Hafner. Besides, even though the OSU and Columbus ties are nice and all, he plays for Cleveland. On the other hand, if he keeps going as he has, maybe “C-bus” is in his future.

3. What are the Browns waiting for with that knucklehead Josh Gordon? Mr. Weed set the tone in college, and now he’s taken his game to the next level. If the guy – who’s already burned up all of his “last chances” and get-out-of-jail-free cards (probably when he was smoking a joint) – didn’t realize what he was throwing away the first six times he was nailed, what makes anyone remotely confident that number seven will be a charm? Enough already. The only viable excuse for the Browns not dumping this yo-yo yesterday is the hope that some NFL GM out there is as dumb as Josh and will part with a draft pick for him. Good luck with that, Mr. Farmer.

4. Why are the Indians so enamored with Asdrubal Cabrera? The guy is a moody, disinterested, average infielder who sulks whenever things don’t go his way (which they haven’t, by the way, for about the last two years). The guy had strong starts in 2011 and 2012 – enough to earn spots on the All Star team those years – but after making the team each year he had terrible second halves. Last year, he simply stunk. I’d rather see Mike Aviles there any day of the week. No, make that every day of the week. No mas. No more Asdrubal.

Actually, I had about a dozen more gripes, but – as luck would have it (and fortunately for you) – we’re out of space.

How ‘bout next issue we tackle the really negative stuff?

Jeff Bing

Lifelong Westlake resident who dabbles in writing whenever the real world permits. My forte is humor and horror...What a combo!

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Volume 6, Issue 12, Posted 9:12 AM, 06.10.2014