Cleveland sports: The year in preview

Yep, it’s that time of year again. As in, time for yours truly to let you know what will happen with our Cleveland sports teams in 2015. Normally, I charge big bucks for this service, so consider it my little New Year’s gift to you, my loyal reader(s). (Hey, it’s what I do). Alrighty then, buckle up, and let’s do this…

February: All you need is Love (not). In an unprecedented turn of events, LeBron James opts out of his Cavaliers contract in the middle of a game with the Miami Heat. Curiously enough, he was out with a supposed injury while on the Cavs’ roster, but, as the “jumping of ship” was announced, he tore off his street clothes, revealing a Heat uniform, and scored 38 points as the Heat routed Cleveland. LeBron later claimed he didn’t know ”how the uniform got there.”  

April: Tribe in “kneed” of players. Nick Swisher, who underwent surgery on both knees in 2014, got off to a mediocre start in 2015. However, when compared to the previous year, his stats looked worthy of Cooperstown. As a result, Chris Antonetti – in one of perhaps the most classic overreactions of all time – orders everyone in the organization to have surgery on not one, but both knees. Team President Mark Shapiro was keeping mum on Antonetti’s edict, but did mention that he hoped the strategy worked, because if it didn’t, the organization “wouldn’t have a leg to stand on.”

July: Just one big fire hydrant. The sports world is stunned to learn the Browns have constructed an invisible fence – similar to those which keep in dogs, or Dawgs, as the case may be – so players such as Johnny Manziel, Josh Gordon, and Justin Gilbert are forced to remain in training camp and not inclined to, in Browns owner Jimmy Haslam’s words, “Party the night away.”

Manziel, in particular, takes issue with Haslam’s tactics, calling them “childish, immature and self-centered.” Haslam threatens to sue Manziel for breaking into the Browns’ personnel files, as Haslam explains that those are the very same words used on Johnny in Manziel’s scouting report.

August: Hard to stomach. The Indians, hopelessly mired in the basement since their entire roster is on the disabled list as a result of all the knee surgeries, have hired a local softball team, the Beer Belly Brawlers, to stand in for the regular Tribe players until some of them can stand upright again. As it turns out, most of the Brawlers have difficulty standing upright as well, since they apparently take their nickname very seriously, and the entire roster is tipsy by the third inning of every game. After watching horrible baseball for most of the season, most Tribe fans agree with the strategy, and although ticket sales plummet, local beer sales skyrocket.

Sort of like what Observer readership would do if they got a talented writer for this column.

Jeff Bing

Lifelong Westlake resident who dabbles in writing whenever the real world permits. My forte is humor and horror...What a combo!

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Volume 7, Issue 1, Posted 9:52 AM, 01.06.2015