Browns channel featuring another season of reruns

So there I was, two weeks later, still scratching my head over the Browns’ (allegedly sincere) giddiness over “winning” the race to quarterback Josh McCown; he of the 17-32 lifetime record as a starter. And I found myself wondering if things would ever change, or if instead we were watching the NFL’s version of "Groundhog Day."

So then I started considering how comical it is that the more the Browns try to change, the more things stay the same. Every year we tune in hoping for something different, and indeed, the names change, but in the end, the results are most often those to which we’d become accustomed: awful.

Do we really ever stop and comprehend just how dumb that makes us? I mean, it’s like tuning into TBS in hopes of seeing a new episode of "Friends," except the show’s been off the air since 2004. Then again, the Browns, in a figurative sense anyway, have been “off” for considerably longer.

That "Friends" analogy got me to thinking about other TV shows which could be tied – in some twisted way – to our beloved football team. I came up with several, like:

  • "Breaking Bad" – The title alone should make it self-explanatory, but it’s a reality show about an owner named Jimmy trying to turn around the fortunes of a football franchise. Candidly, it’s a little more difficult than he imagined.
  • "Cheers" – This reality show follows the exploits of a NFL high draft choice who’s trying to not be quite as “high” quite as often, ostensibly by eliminating some of his “draft choices.” Stage one of the rehab entails, in his words, “severely cutting back” his alcohol consumption. The name of the first installment is rumored to be called "Eight is Enough."
  • "Everybody Loves Raymond" – This reality show details the zany antics of the general manager (named “Ray”) of a NFL football team. You'll howl with laughter as he botches first-round draft picks. The laughter escalates to side-splitting when he texts the coaches on the sidelines during an actual game. We can’t make this stuff up, folks!
  • "Cold Case" – Follow the life of a beer vendor known simply as “Bud” as he sells beer in the upper level of the stadium during games in December. Double over in merry mirth as he “hops” from customer to customer. A laugh riot.
  • "Candid-ly Camera" – Watch the owner of an NFL football team deftly dance around FBI inquiries regarding alleged shady operations of his primary business.
  • "The Fall Guy" – This sad reality show chronicles the inevitable demise of a Browns head coach who comes into the job thinking he can make a difference, but discovers – as did the scores of others before him – that ownership ineptitude simply won’t allow that to happen. Keep the tissues handy for this one, folks. A real tear-jerker.

As you can see, the possibilities are endless, so I suggest you take some of your favorite shows and alter them to make them candidates for “Browns TV.” I think you’ll find it pretty darn funny.

Unless you’re a season ticket holder.

Jeff Bing

Lifelong Westlake resident who dabbles in writing whenever the real world permits. My forte is humor and horror...What a combo!

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Volume 7, Issue 6, Posted 9:46 AM, 03.17.2015