The emperorís new clothes

I’m sure that at one time or another, everyone has received the email in which some dude (maybe even a prince) named Rakeesh has inherited countless millions (or perhaps, no doubt due to inflation, countless billions) of dollars. The problem is, our beloved Rakeesh can’t collect because he has visa problems, or he lost his visa, or who knows, maybe he simply forgot to pay his Visa bill.

But that part’s not really important. The point is that poor Rakeesh – all by his lonesome – can’t get his grubby little paws on the money. (Feel free to shed a sympathetic tear at your discretion; I’m welling up as we speak).

Anyway, that’s where you come in. See, if only Rakeesh had someone to do his legwork for him, and help him claim the money, life in Kankanistan (or insert your own fictitious country here; it doesn’t really matter) could be good again.

Rakeesh could buy that BMW he’s always wanted. And since that new car smell is so darn intoxicating (admit it, you like it too), he’s willing to cut you in on the take if you can spare a few moments of your time –  remembering to stop at the bank along the way – and help the guy out.

See, even though Rakeesh is about to become wealthy beyond his (and your) wildest dreams, the poor fella is strapped for cash at the moment. And since they don’t have payday loan shops in Kankanistan, what’s a poor Kankanistanian (say that fast ten times) to do? So, if you’ll just go ahead and pay his inheritance taxes for him, he’ll split the money (remember, countless millions) with you.

Now, normally he wouldn’t want to part with so much of his money, but he’s in a real hurry (perhaps the car dealer told him that BMW was the last one on the lot and he didn’t know how long it would take to get another one in). So, since you have him over the proverbial barrel, why not help a guy out? Heck, maybe you want a new BMW too, right?

So you go get a cashier’s check (sorry, a personal check won’t cut it; how does he know he can trust you?) for $4,039.59 and rush it off to the post office, stopping at Home Depot to buy a wheelbarrow (because, seriously man, all those bags of cash will be very heavy). Then you wait … and wait …

While we’re waiting, have you seen the Browns’ new uniforms? Hmm, it got me thinking.

You get an email from a dude named “Jimmy” who claims to have a really fun, exciting football team. Not only that, but he claims they have new uniforms, and even a new scoreboard which, according to some accounts, resembles Jimmy’s home state of Tennessee.  

Now, even though his football team has stunk for an entire generation, Jimmy says the team is improved. Heck, they even went out and signed a new quarterback. Don’t pay any attention to his record as a starting quarterback, because we know how to make him better. We promise!

And oh, by the way, you’ll notice that we had to increase the cost of your season tickets just a teensy-weensy bit. Overhead, you know. But, just send us the money (credit card; no personal checks please) and we promise we’ll deliver all kinds of excitement this year.

So you renew your season tickets and stop at Dick’s to get a new seat cushion for all that fun you just know you’re going to have this fall. Then you wait … and wait …

Rakeesh, meet Mr. Haslam. The two of you have a lot in common.

Jeff Bing

Lifelong Westlake resident who dabbles in writing whenever the real world permits. My forte is humor and horror...What a combo!

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Volume 7, Issue 8, Posted 9:43 AM, 04.21.2015