Unfettered wisdom

Every so often, my mail bag gets swamped with letters. Questions from sports fans throughout northeast Ohio come pouring in – most of them wanting to know when I will finally stop inundating them with useless drivel – but that’s not always the case. So, rather than answering each one personally, I will address them here so everyone may take joy in the wisdom that has catapulted me to the top of the sports writing pyramid. Sort of like multi-level marketing, except there’s no multi-level. Or marketing. Anyway, sit back, crack open a new bottle of Excedrin, and endure …

Q: I’m concerned about the Browns’ quarterback situation. Who will be their starting quarterback?

A: As Bill Murray stated so eloquently in "Meatballs": “It just doesn’t matter.” Let me elaborate: It doesn’t matter in the context that every quarterback on the roster stinks, so pick anyone. You’re not planning on actually watching any Browns games this year, are you?

Q: The Indians seem a little bit better now that they got rid of Nick Swisher and Michael Bourn. What’s up with that?

A: They got rid of those guys? I hadn’t noticed. Seriously. But thanks for the heads-up.

Q: Aren’t you going to comment about their departure?

A: Wow. What are the odds of randomly selecting a relevant follow-up question like that from the mailbag? But, I’m supposed to be answering the questions and not asking them, so here goes: They came – they saw – they got rich in doing so – they got out of Dodge. Just another coup for the Tribe’s front office. Well done, guys!

Q: Maybe it’s me, but even with four first round draft picks between 2014 and 2015, the Browns still seem to stink. Why is that, oh learned one?

A: First of all, you can remove “seem to” from in front of “stink.” That heady aroma that’s swirling around FirstEnergy Stadium ain’t the landfill, pal – at least in this instance. And, to be perfectly honest, the Browns don’t have any first rounders from 2014. The Browns may have selected in the first round in 2014, but they do not have any first-round players. Trust me on that one. And, it’s no coincidence that Johnny Manziel and Justin “Flawless” Gilbert are sidelined with so-called “injuries.” When they don’t play, you can’t further the notion that the Browns made – not one, but two – huge mistakes in the 2014 draft.

Q: Why are you so cynical?

A: It makes me happy.

Q: Anything to comment on in the world of pro basketball?

A: Yes.

Q: Well, what is it?

A: Seriously, how do you do that, Mr. Mailbag? But, to answer your question, I’m sorry to report that I won’t be renewing my Cleveland Rockers WNBA season tickets for next year. Lately, it’s as if they don’t even show up to play. In other words, I’ve had it.

Q: But wait a second, the Rockers haven’t even …

A: Well, looks like we’re out of time (as well as words).

Let’s do this again real soon, okay?

Jeff Bing

Lifelong Westlake resident who dabbles in writing whenever the real world permits. My forte is humor and horror...What a combo!

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Volume 7, Issue 17, Posted 8:47 AM, 09.01.2015