Prediction? Pain. Lots of it.
“So, where do you think the Browns will finish?” That’s the question making the rounds in Cleveland these days. A quick perusal of the schedule says the Browns will finish at FirstEnergy Stadium on Jan. 3, 2016, against the Pittsburgh Steelers.
“No, wise guy, where do you think the Browns will finish record-wise?”
Oh. Now that’s a horse of a different color. Regrettably, in truth I think the Browns season will end much earlier than next January. In fact, it might be over before we see a stinkin’ frost, for that matter. Anyway, I went over the schedule and tried to be realistic in choosing who was likely to win. I know, I know: If Browns fans can’t dream, what on Earth is left? So I apologize in advance for this …
Sept. 13 @ Jets: The Browns come out of the gate strong, and hang one on the struggling Jets. Tickertape parade down East 9th as Super Bowl dreams get out of hand.
Sept. 20 vs. Titans: Browns shock the world as they send the Titans a message: You must really stink to lose to us! We’re 2-0 and Browns frenzy is out of control; statue of Josh McCown goes up on Lakeside – and I mean literally in the middle of the street.
Sept. 27 vs. Raiders: Browns make the Raiders look like schoolgirls as they improve to 3-0. Jimmy Haslam is elected mayor of Cleveland; Browns fans don’t think that’s good enough and make him president of Cleveland.
Oct. 4 @ Chargers: Runaway train known as the Browns is derailed as the reality of actually playing a team suited for the NFL sinks in. Browns slip to 3-1, but tailgaters continue to party; some still remain in the Muny lot from game No. 1.
Oct. 11 @ Ravens: The ghost of Art Modell is supposedly spotted cackling from his private loge as the Ravens clobber the Browns. Fans still giddy over winning record which slips to 3-2.
Oct. 18 vs. Broncos: Coming into the Browns game, QB Peyton Manning had been awful. Nonetheless, he throws for 637 yards as Broncos get second win of season over 3-3 Browns, who are now at .500. Haslam is spotted after game tearing down McCown statue (which helps Lakeside traffic immeasurably).
Oct. 25 @ Rams: Rams, who looked like underachievers previously, achieve quite a bit against Brownies, and clobber them, 42-7. Johnny Manziel enters game in second half; injures arm throwing first pass; Browns now 3-4.
Nov. 1 vs. Cardinals: Browns go into game thinking they have weather advantage over Arizona, except on this day it’s 78 degrees and toasty. Browns get toasted and see record dehydrate to 3-5.
Nov. 5 @ Bengals: Bengals have Brownies for lunch; Pettine demands Bengals be drug-tested. Browns’ record is tested as it becomes 3-6.
Nov. 15 @ Steelers: Browns have 10 days of rest which is thought to be an advantage until it becomes apparent that most of the players forgot the plays. Browns imitate the Titanic and sink to 3-7.
Nov. 22 Bye week: Fans celebrate that this is the first week in the past eight that the Browns haven’t lost. It’s all relative, gang.
Nov. 30 vs. Ravens: Hmmm. Monday nighter on national TV vs. the Ravens. What could go wrong? Oh, I know, I know! Everything! Browns lose game and all of TV audience in losing, 56-3. Incredibly, Haslam says Browns “are still in it” at 3-8.
Dec. 6 vs. Bengals: Browns appear to want to get an early start with Christmas shopping as they present the Bengals with an early gift by not showing up to play. Humiliated Browns now 3-9.
Dec. 13 vs. 49ers: 49ers discover fool's gold (emphasis on “fool”) and make Browns look like a “miner” obstacle in yet another rout. Browns wish they could choose another route out of stadium as record falls to 3-10.
Dec. 20 @ Seahawks: Seahawks laugh themselves silly in picking Browns (now 3-11) apart.
Dec. 27 @ Chiefs: Andy Reid is signed to lifetime contract after smoking Browns, who limp off the field at 3-12.
Jan. 3 vs. Steelers: Browns appear to snap losing streak, but it’s not to be when they forfeit after Haslam runs out on field to argue a ref’s call, then refuses to leave. Browns end up just short of the playoffs at 3-13.
They should make the season three games long.
Lifelong Westlake resident who dabbles in writing whenever the real world permits. My forte is humor and horror...What a combo!