Playing to Johnny's strengths

Unless you reside under the proverbial rock, you’re painfully aware of Johnny Manziel’s latest, um, “transgressions” with his employer (at least as of this writing, anyway), the Cleveland Browns.

As we all know, the Browns have gone to great lengths to try and keep their young, party-loving quarterback in line. But now, with a fairly large sample size to reflect upon, it appears most will agree that so far the attempts have yielded disappointing results. In other words, it ain’t workin’, gang.

I suggest it’s time to think outside the box with Johnny Manziel.

That’s correct; I’m advocating the “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” approach here. For instance, how about implementing some of the following plays that would be right in Manziel’s wheelhouse?

Red Rehab 88: Johnny stands behind center, repeatedly holding his head in pain, and acting like he has a terrible hangover. The opposition thinks he’s too wasted to even throw the football, and Johnny catches them by surprise by hurling one (before actually hurling) 50 yards for a quick six points. The “hangover” sign suddenly becomes more popular than the “money” sign. Jimmy Haslam smiles – candidly – at the anticipated additional T-shirt income.

Spousal Abuse Slant: Johnny’s girlfriend is activated before the game. They stage an argument on the sidelines, and just when the opposing team thinks that Johnny will never speak to her again, she runs out and catches a deep slant. As Tina Turner once vocalized and put to music, “What’s love got to do with it?” Tina should be the team's motivational speaker.

The Socks-Bowe Incident: Never-used, yet nonetheless millionaire receiver Dwayne Bowe is adjusting his socks on the sideline, implying that he’s about to enter the game. Johnny rolls on the ground in laughter, because even he thinks the idea is preposterous. So do the opposing players, who join Johnny on the turf in side-splitting guffaws. Johnny has the last laugh, as he throws a bomb to Bowe. The laugh is short lived, however, as Bowe drops the pass. Correction: Bowe has the last laugh, as he reminds everyone his contract – which runs through next season – includes $9 million in guaranteed money.

So, when you actually sit down and think about it – go ahead and have a seat; I’ll wait – it’s fairly humorous to listen to the surprise and indignation coming from the Browns front office over the way Manziel has “represented” the Browns since the Browns front office drafted Johnny Chugalug a year and a half ago. Just for the record, has the Browns front office not noticed the surprise and indignation coming from the fans over the management of the Browns over last 16 or so years? What if they held themselves to the same “high standards” for stuff like – and I’m just spit-ballin’ here – the draft or free agent signings that they evidently hold Manziel?  

So, what I’m asking here is this: If Johnny That-wasn’t-me-in-the-video ends up not cutting it as a player – all things considered – he still would (overwhelmingly) qualify for a lofty position in the Browns front office, right?

Jeff Bing

Lifelong Westlake resident who dabbles in writing whenever the real world permits. My forte is humor and horror...What a combo!

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Volume 7, Issue 23, Posted 9:47 AM, 12.01.2015