Believeland: A Christmas wish list

“So this is Christmas, and what have you done?” I never got the chance to ask him, but I’m pretty sure John Lennon had Cleveland sports franchise owners in mind when he penned the first line of “Happy Xmas.”

Last time I looked, the Browns’ fan base was finally beginning to disintegrate, the Indians’ fan base had already disintegrated, and the Cavs’ fan base – well, you saw how they responded after LeBron went bye-bye half a decade ago – is a house of cards, at best. When LeBron decides to retire or play elsewhere, it will be like a giant sneeze onto that same house of cards. Gesundheit!

Anyway, since the Big Guy (I’m talking about Santa, gang) and I have always been pretty tight – he always brought me Christmas gifts regardless of the many spelling errors on my wish list – I’m going to make an incredibly unselfish gesture this Christmas. Instead of asking for stuff for myself, I’m going to donate my Christmas "markers", if you will, to the major sports teams in the city. (Hopefully, this is tax-deductible). So what do the teams in Cleveland need? (I know what you’re thinking, wise guy; don’t say it.) Let’s take a look, in no particular order:

1) The Browns: An offensive line, a defensive line, linebackers, defensive backs, running backs, quarterbacks (but we’d settle for one good one), special teams, and a partridge in a pear tree. Other than that, we’re golden. I know it’s a lot to ask, Santa, but clearly they are not capable of doing this without your help.

2) The Indians: Terry Francona needs to understand that winning in April and May is every bit as important as winning from June through September, for a couple of reasons: A) Terrible starts turn off the fan base, and when the team decides (sometime around mid-August) to start playing ball, the fans have already turned their attention to someone else they can boo (see No. 1 above). B) In 2013, the Indians had an incredible September to get their foot in the door for a one-game playoff, upon which the door was slammed on their collective big toe. The last two years, the Indians have put together excellent second halves of the season, but not good enough to compensate for the lousy starts, and they’ve fallen short of the playoffs. This should be easy for someone with your resume to fix, Santa.

3) The Cavs: On paper, this is the healthiest franchise in our city. Then again, in our city, the bar ain’t set all that high. Don’t let the record fool you, Santa. When LeBron left town five years ago, the franchise quickly disintegrated into the laughingstock of the NBA. I’m a big fan of GM David Griffin – the guy actually knows what he’s doing – but I’m not a big fan of the owner. And, as everyone in the city knows, the impact of lousy ownership always trickles down to everyone else in the organization. (See Nos. 1 & 2 above).

So yes, Santa, I’m asking a lot. Just don’t force me to apply the first line of Lennon’s song to you, too.

Jeff Bing

Lifelong Westlake resident who dabbles in writing whenever the real world permits. My forte is humor and horror...What a combo!

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Volume 7, Issue 24, Posted 9:41 AM, 12.15.2015