Letters from a dwindling fan base

Okay, gang. While the Indians are unpacking their gear in Goodyear (that has sort of a poetic ring, doesn’t it?), the Cavs are playing and Browns fans are praying (I know, I should have quit while I was ahead), now seems like a good time to look in the old mailbag and see what my loyal reader(s) have on their mind(s).

Let’s start with one from a “J.B.” in Westlake.

“How come you always rip the Browns, dude? Cut Jimmy and his boys some slack. Don’t blame him for all of the team’s problems. Lighten up – you depress me.”

Yeah, and your letter was just the pick-me-up that the rest of the world needed, right? Well, J.B., guess how many winning seasons the Browns have had since 1999? Hint: you can count them on one hand. And while I’m certain that you are an astute individual – as witnessed by your reference to me as “dude” – I’ll make it even easier for you. Not only can you count the Browns winning seasons on one hand, you can count them on one finger (from each hand)! I’ll give you a few minutes to do the math and when you come up with the answer (hey, that’s not a calculator you’re holding, is it?) we’ll elaborate on your findings.

So what did you come up with, big guy? Two? Well played, my friend, well played. In 2002, the Browns made the playoffs under Butch Davis with a 9-7 mark and in 2007 they won 10 games but missed the playoffs. Other than those two “glory” years, the Browns have produced more snags than my recent colonoscopy.

And as far as Jimmy Haslam goes, you are right. He is only responsible for the 15-49 record since 2013. Silly me. I’ll back off, because I thought he’d only won 14 in that time.

The Browns have won 88 games since 1999, while losing 200. To put that in perspective, since 2010 the New England Patriots (coached by Mr. Chuckles himself) have won 89 games. But we have a plan, J.B., so not to worry. 

As Hue Jackson says, “Trust me.” And why shouldn’t we, it’s gone so well this far.

Moving on, we do just that as we proceed to our next letter, one from a “Billy J.B.” – also from Westlake. (Seriously, what are the odds?).

“How come you were so mean to J.B. from Westlake? You writers are all the same: You spew out insulting, meaningless drivel with no fear of consequences of your actions. You are a disgrace to your outdated typewriter.” 

Sir, I must vehemently take issue with your accusation. Specifically, I don’t use an outdated typewriter. I’ll have you know I use an outdated word processor. And don’t think I didn’t see through your “Billy Manziel“ disguise either, J.B. 

But I must admit to being stumped by the “J.B.” initials. Huh, wonder who that could be ...

Jeff Bing

Lifelong Westlake resident who dabbles in writing whenever the real world permits. My forte is humor and horror...What a combo!

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Volume 9, Issue 4, Posted 9:48 AM, 02.21.2017