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I love sports: be it watching them, playing them, talking about them, and yes, even writing about them. I have one problem, though. The recent revelation of the fall lineups by the major television networks are essentially bereft of any quality sports shows on the tube. I suggest we put an end to that malarkey right now, and – after an untold number of sleepless nights brainstorming – I’ve come up with some suggestions for sports-related programming. Consider the following:
1. "Game of Drones": Hosted by Indians pitcher Trevor Bauer, he examines the finer points of miniature aircraft aviation, including safety tips to avoid bodily harm (all purely hypothetical, of course, and not remotely related to any real-life events). Trevor will also share some of his irrepressible wit, the likes which have made him such an iconic “funny guy” figure with Cleveland fans.
2. "Game of Prones" (As in “injury prones”): Co-hosted by Lonnie Chisenhall and Jason Kipnis, this will take viewers behind the scenes to visit with select team members (because we rarely see them on the playing field). Scheduled guests (barring further injury, of course) include Michael Brantley. Watch in amazement as these stars reenact (much to the chagrin of team management) the injuries that landed them on the disabled list. Listen with sympathy as they bemoan the “bad luck” of getting injured and being paid millions while taking a dip in the Olympic-size pool. Fight back the tears as they relay stories of personal woe in coping with a muscle cramp. Warning: Not for the faint-of-heart.
3. "Game of Loans": Hosted by Cavs owner Dan Gilbert, he walks you through the mortgage loan process and shares tips – provided you supply a working phone number, own a home or are in the process of buying one, and will agree to talk to a qualified loan counselor (who might also just happen to be a Quicken Loans employee) about making an intelligent mortgage loan decision. No obligation, of course, but by the time they’re done with you, you’ll have no logical choice but to go with them. Only an idiot would walk away from a deal like this. Don’t feel pressured yet? Worry not, you will.
4. "Game of Groans": Guest-hosted by randomly selected Browns season ticket holders from the last two decades, Browns fans interview survivors of families of long-time season tickets, providing updates on how their psychotherapy is working out. Visit some recovering Browns fans that reside in special padded cells, and observe some of these more advanced patients as they cut paper dolls and create other therapeutic items. Come to understand why most mental institutions in Northeast Ohio have a special dedicated “Browns Wing” yet still need additional space. It ain’t pretty, folks.
Good stuff, huh? I’ll bet you can come up with some local programming of your own, too. When you consider the possibilities, this is really only the tip of the iceberg. Send your ideas to me at the attention of this paper's editor (firstname.lastname@example.org), and if we get enough, we can print the best on these pages. And then someday, if the doctor lets me have my crayons back, maybe I will even be able to respond to you.
Lifelong Westlake resident who dabbles in writing whenever the real world permits. My forte is humor and horror...What a combo!