I have a bit of a dilemma. The last two columns that I’ve written have pretty much been trash pieces about the Browns. That unto itself is not a problem since I rather enjoy regularly taking shots at those yokels. However, three similar articles in a row would make me appear either angry and/or vindictive, or egads: every writer’s worst nightmare, which is being accused of lacking in imagination.

We all know that if anyone exudes the Happy-Happy-Joy-Joy persona, it’s me. We also know that for me to write the previous sentence, I have to be pretty comfortable in the fabrication department. 

The problem lies in the fact that I can’t really write anything about the Indians, because those wounds haven’t healed yet (which probably makes me appear angry and/or vindictive, but let’s not go jumping to conclusions – it’s probably just coincidence), and the Cavs season is merely in its infancy, since they don’t start their real season (a.k.a. the NBA playoffs) until the Indians season is underway.

Besides, I’ve already trashed the Cavs. And the last thing I want for people to think is that – when strapped for witty column content – I resort to the sports franchise corporate equivalent of character assassination. Good thing I’m too witty to resort to those kinds of shenanigans. 

So what this calls for, my friends, is a “feel good” column. Besides, it’s already the time of year when we reflect on the good things we have in life: friends, family, the Kardashians, etc., and demonstrate our love with gifts that are given at Christmas. 

So, with that thought in mind, let me get the ball rolling with some Christmas wishes for local sports celebrities. 

Browns owner Jimmy Haslam: Good lawyers (for the Pilot Flying J mess which appears to be getting worse by the day). 

Browns wide receiver Josh Gordon: A slightly altered version of “The Little Engine That Could” which becomes “The Little Engine That Could Just Say No.” 

Browns head coach Hue Jackson: A copy of the “The Peter Principle” which might help clear things up for Hue (while he’s updating his resume). 

Browns ticket sales department: The inspirational soundtrack to “Rocky” which will need to be played endlessly while employees try to sell season tickets to the Browns’ fan base (if there are even any fans left) after this season comes to a merciful conclusion. 

Indians pitching ace Corey Kluber: A big empty space on his trophy shelf – between his two Cy Young awards – with a plaque that reads “Cleveland Indians – 2017 World Champions.” Let’s hope he understands the significance. 

See, that wasn’t so hard now, was it? It feels good to spread some Christmas cheer. I know I feel much better having done so. Perhaps you should try the same approach with loved ones over the holidays … 

Just don’t forget to duck! 

And a Holly Jolly Christmas to you.

Jeff Bing

Lifelong Westlake resident who dabbles in writing whenever the real world permits. My forte is humor and horror...What a combo!

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Volume 9, Issue 23, Posted 10:31 AM, 12.05.2017