Driver, please pull over … this is my stop

You know, maybe I should thank the Browns. Maybe the way the Browns handled the first round of the 2018 draft is the best thing that could have happened to me, because I now have come to realize that I simply can’t take it anymore. I’m done, baby. I’m up on the I-480 bridge, and there’s no talking me down. Forget the cops, the megaphones and the psychiatrists. And nope, not even the promise of a Snickers bar (which always worked in the past) will change my mind. This is my last Browns draft. Ever. Period.

I don’t know what it is about the Browns organization that transforms formerly clear-thinking, highly-trained football talent evaluators into incompetent morons. No, I’m sorry; I misspoke: It’s not fair to use the term “morons” here. It’s way too insulting … to morons.

And please, don’t give me that over-used and very tired “let’s give the new regime a chance before we criticize them” nonsense, either. After what we have endured the last two decades, it should be, “After you win a few games, then we’ll talk,” okay? Spare me the “cut ‘em some slack” stuff. It’s high time the Browns cut us some slack. End of discussion.

When I look back at the litany of ludicrous first round draft picks the Browns have made over the past two decades, my vote for the most successful first round draft year has to be 2008. Why? Because that was the only year they didn’t have a first-round draft choice (translation: We couldn’t screw it up)!

Now that I think about it, maybe the NFL should implement their version of the Stepien rule with the Browns. For those who may be too young to remember, or are otherwise unaware, the NBA implemented the infamous “Stepien Rule” on then-owner Ted Stepien back in the ‘80s for his wholesale trading of Cavs first round draft choices for (at best) marginal talent in return. Yes, folks, the NBA had to step in and try to prevent a Cleveland sports team owner from being too stupid. It’s kind of like not letting a kid run with scissors – you don’t want them to hurt themselves, so you give them the pair with the rounded (safe) edges.

My point? Putting this in a more politically correct manner, Jimmy Haslam needs the NFL to help him (not to mention us) from hurting himself. He and Dee should stick to something they know, like Pilot Flying J. Something they know, and can't possibly get into any trouble with. After all, that’s been a squeaky clean operation, no? Yeah, play to your strengths, man. Jeez, Mike Holmgren, where are you when we need you? In comparison, you look like Don frickin' Shula.

In closing, let me say this: The Browns have had three owners since 1999: Al Lerner, son Randy Lerner, and Jimmy Haslam. As you can see, two of the three were related. The comedians Three Stooges had Moe Howard, his brother Jerry “Curly” Howard, and Larry Fine. As you can see, two of the three were related. See where I’m going with this? Coincidence? I think not.

The difference? The Three Stooges were entertaining.


Jeff Bing

Lifelong Westlake resident who dabbles in writing whenever the real world permits. My forte is humor and horror...What a combo!

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Volume 10, Issue 9, Posted 9:58 AM, 05.01.2018