Tribe 2021: Itís not in the cards

“Hi pal, what can I do for you?”

“Your sign outside says you buy, trade, and sell baseball cards.”

“That’s correct, friend. What cards are you looking for?”

“Well, I really want a Francisco Lindor card and …”

“I have to be honest with you, big guy. You’re buying Lindor cards when the guy is at his absolute peak. It will take quite a bit to pry a Lindor card out of my hands. He’s a sound investment.”

“Yeah, tell that to the Dolans.”

“Who?”

“The Dolans: Larry and Paul. They own the Indians.”

“Oh yeah, I remember now. They are the reason I stopped following the Indians – what’s it been – years ago?”

“Yeah, that’s about right. Feels longer, though.”  

“I could tell right away they were exactly what the city didn’t need: cheapies.”

”I would not argue that point, but the fact is the Indians haven’t had a losing season since Terry Francona was hired.”

“I said they were cheap, never said they were stupid. They hired smart baseball people and spent where it needed to be spent from a business standpoint. Then they pocketed the rest.”

“If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that…”

“You still wouldn’t have enough money for a Lindor card.”

“Very funny. Now let’s talk turkey. I want to offer you a package deal for Frankie.”

“Start dealing.”

“I will give you every player in the Indians starting lineup.”

“As I said, I haven’t followed the Indians for a while, but let’s hear what you got.”

“Cesar Hernandez.”

“Who?”

“He’s their second baseman.”

“He’s a bum. What else you got?”

“Eddie Rosario. I know you’ve heard of him. Has power and proved it last year.”

“He’s a bum. That’s why the Twins dumped him. A butcher with the glove. Have you been in here before? You remind me of somebody.”

“Never. How about Jose Ramirez?”

“Now there is a guy I’ll talk about. His numbers will drop though because he’s going to have to wear a Superman cape to hide all the team’s flaws this year.”

“Franmil Reyes.”

“A human windmill. Strikes out more often than the country gets Covid-19 updates. Next?”

“Josh Naylor.”

“Who? And this yo-yo is hitting fifth?”

“Hey, he’s not that bad.”

“No, of course, he isn’t that bad. Neither was Johnny Damon. Next!”

“Jake Bauers.”

“You still have him? Wow. I take back what I said about Johnny Damon.”

“Roberto Perez.”

“Ah yes, a household name, especially since he’s widely recognized as the guy who brought Triple-A batting to the majors. Makes me long for the days of Nick Swisher. Next?”

“Andres Gimenez. Some think he has Frankie Lindor potential.”

“WHO thinks that … his parents? Maybe way, way down the road, but not now. Next?”

“Ben Gamel.”

“Okay, stop, you’re killing me with these guys.”

“Hey, give them a chance.”

“NOW I know who you remind me of, with your little charade of trying to pass mediocre talent off as legitimate big leaguers.”

“Oh yeah, who?”

“The Dolans.”

Ouch.

Jeff Bing

Lifelong Westlake resident who dabbles in writing whenever the real world permits. My forte is humor and horror...What a combo!

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Volume 13, Issue 7, Posted 10:36 AM, 04.06.2021