Renaming the Guardians: It was a long time coming

So there I was, about to write a second column about some of the more colorful nicknames of some of Cleveland’s ballplayers from years gone by. Then I had an epiphany: Make nicknames for some of today’s Guardians, since nicknames seem to be going the way of the dodo bird (much like reader interest in my columns).

Then it really hit me: Just make new names for the players! I mean heck, if the Dolans can play switchola with the team’s name, why can’t I do the same with player names? So here’s what I did: I took a player, kept the same first name, changed the last name so that from the new name, there should be a good hint for you to figure out to whom I am referring. Example:

Shane Ach Du Lieber (which means “oh my gosh” in English) Reason for the nickname: Bieber gets hurt often (Application: “Oh my gosh … Bieber’s hurt again?”)

See, wasn’t that fun? Now let’s do some more, except I won’t tell you the real last names of those to whom I am referring. See if you can guess who I am talking about all by yourself. (You will be graded – or degraded – on this). Ready, set, go!

1. Eli “Captain” ? (Hint: Hitters need a shot of this after batting against him).

2. Trevor “Steven King” ? (Hint: His pitches can be downright scary).

3. Tanner “Ad Libee” ? (Hint: He changes his pitches without telling the catcher).

4. Cal “Quantify This” ? (Hint: No one has been able solve his nasty pitch formula).

5. James “Not a ‘Kare in’ the world, ‘jack’” ? (Hint: I’ve said plenty already).

6. Jose “Nofear-ez” (Hint: None. A second grader could solve this one).

7. Josh “Nailed-it” (Hint: Too easy. Even Homer Simpson got this in under a minute).

8. Josh “Isn’t answering the…” (Hint: Seriously. After Josh#1 above, how many other Joshs are there? Keep it up, and you’re headed to Columbus).

9. Emmanuel “Class A” (Hint: Where you’ll be headed if you don’t figure this out, like, pronto.)

10. Zach “Difficult to ‘please, act’ accordingly” (Hint: This is so easy it’s making me ill – much like Zach’s ERA).

11. Aaron “If you don’t get at least 90% of these correct, I may file a “Civil-eh” suit against you.” (Hint: There’s plenty of room on the roster for you in Akron).

12. Steven “‘no 'Kan' do.” (Hint? Sorry, no "Kan" do. (Déjà vu.)

13. Myles “This is the last…” (Hint: And it will be if his batting average moves any closer to the Mendoza line than it already is.)

Okay, gang, pencils down. I mean NOW!

It’s not that we’re out of time, class. It’s just that my age-dilapidated brain doesn’t want to come up with any additional cleverer-than-Pulitzer-worthy clues.

(Geez, where’s Paul Harvey and a bottle of Citrical when you really need it?) We’ll pick up where we left off next issue.

Yeah, as if I’m going to remember that!