I’ve been trying to be a real good girl: taking the skin off my chicken and the fat off my meat. Eating lentils and legumes, grains and grapefruit. Using skim-milk, fat-free mayonnaise and only the whites of my eggs. Avoiding at all costs Alfredo sauce, French fries and most of all, Fiddle Faddle.
I’ve learned that pasta is poison, ribs are a sin, butter is pretty much illegal and bacon causes instant death. Dessert of any kind is out of the question except on your birthday. Coffee’s bad. Popcorn’s bad. Pizza’s bad. And if you’re caught with a Fry Baby, it’s ten-to-life.
In fact, I’ve been so good that the last big treat I afforded myself was back in ‘06. I remember I had three of Pop’s Old Fashioned Fat-Free Cholesterol-Free Sugar-Free Sodium-Free Carbohydrate-Free Calorie-Free MSG-Free Artificially-Flavored Extra-Fancy Nacho Chips El Supremo Grande, enriched with Riboflavin. They were delicious.
And I’ve been thinking...I NEED CHOLESTEROL!