DROP what you’re doing…

… As long as it’s not holding your kid over a cheetah pit, or salvaging your smartphone for trade-in, as not to drop a bundle.

This WBVO exclusive recounts how late in the morning of April 14 an area resident was seen running toward the easternmost entryway of the Westlake Post Office. Midway across the main lane, her smartphone suddenly went airborne, landing smack on the pavement behind her. At first, the older lady appeared relieved to see the phone and its protective case intact.

While on her way  to retrieve it, she noticed a large, white, high-octane, high-horsepower SUV barreling down the main driveway and its driver was about to “hang a Louie” in her direction. Initially, this caused her to drop back from her course, but in a last-ditch effort to retrieve her phone, she daringly stepped forward and motioned for the driver to stop.

When it was evident that the SUV wasn’t braking, the last glimmer of hope to save the smartphone was that the vehicle’s wide wheel base and position in the lane would be sufficient to clear a device narrow enough to fit in the palm of one’s hand. For a fleeting moment, those present at the scene could have heard a pin drop.

But jaws dropped as the vehicle’s front right tire rolled as squarely over the phone as if the maneuver were intentional. One empathetic passer-by expressed disbelief that the driver made no effort to stop.

What else could have been done? Logic dictates that diving after the phone with a drop and roll wasn’t in the cards; most anyone obviously eligible for a “Golden Buckeye Card” has successfully skirted such dangerous stunts.

The 55+er then gingerly dialed out, carefully avoiding glass splinters from the phone’s shattered screen. The call actually completed! It could have been to the police, but then again, not. Individuals in her age group grew up during a time when taking responsibility for one’s actions was more commonplace than it is today so she likely shouldered her smartphone's loss.

Now to drop a hint about the rest of the story: lessons learned are about to drop from the sky.

But, first, let’s rewind the tape, this time substituting the senior citizen with a young mother crossing the lane with toddlers in tow. Unbeknownst to mom, one of the wee bairns drops a binky, dolly, or stuffed bunny, and wriggles loose to retrieve it. This adaptation dictates that the outcome could be significantly more life-altering (or ending) than that of a crushed smartphone.

As for every driver who obliviously plows through parking lots, now hear this: you might get away with rolling over a phone, but you’re taking a much bigger chance than that. Do you think Golden Buckeye Card discounts are accepted at prison commissaries? Who knows? You might find out someday.

All drivers please take heed: conditions can change at the drop of a hat. Don’t drop your guard behind the wheel (or your kid into a cheetah pit!).


Read More on Humor
Volume 7, Issue 8, Posted 9:34 AM, 04.21.2015