Are the Browns good enough to make the ultimate leap in 2019?

Well, I’m so excited to talk about the 2019 Browns, I can’t wait to get star–

Hang on a microsecond, there’s something I need to get off my chest before we get to my Browns predictions ...

We interrupt this column to bring you a more pressing topic (in the eyes of your columnist, anyway, but NOT so much in the eyes of this publication) …

So there I was, sitting in my easy chair, watching the Indians demolish the Yankees this past Thursday evening, accomplishing something that hadn’t happened in baseball in 113 – count ‘em, 113 years – when … oh wait, that’s not true, my TV provider no longer carries Fox Sports Ohio, who in turn, carries the Tribe games. I guess I imagined that part about “watching” the Tribe’s record-setting annihilation of the Yankees, so what you want to take from this is that I’m just a teensy-weensy bit annoyed.

I’ve been told that it would be poor journalism to name my provider, although I’m not sure why to be honest (probably some silly thing about ethics … whatever), so I won’t. All I will say on the matter is that, when I catch up with those scoundrels, I will give them so many right-handed jabs my arm will probably end up in a “sling.” If you didn’t hear me the first time, I said my right arm would end up in – and let me spell it out for you – a S-L-I-N-G. Do we understand each other? Sometimes subtlety carries its own inherent challenges.

So this evening, after I try to tune in the Tribe on the Fox Sports Ohio channel, and all I get is some drivel about them doing this for me, I’m ready to explode (yet again). So, they’re on my side, and trying to keep my costs down, right? And since it seems my costs go up about every six months as it is with their guardianship, I guess I owe these guys a real debt of gratitude. I mean, imagine what my monthly bill would be without them "looking out" for me. Thanks, fellas, you guys are swell.

Then, in what I can only interpret as the epitome of protection, they even go on to tell me that if I upgrade to one of their (many other) premium packages, I’ll be so inundated with “superior” sports that (apparently) I’ll forget all about those silly Indians (remember, Chief Wahoo is just plain wrong, so they’re really doing me a favor).

What, exactly, will make me forget about Wahoo? I guess, stuff like fly fishing in Barbados, “futbol” in Madagascar, or real housewives in Miami (or is it Maui)? Seriously, does it really make any difference? Do I care if they’re real or fake, and how do I tell the difference, anyway?

So, I’m going to dump the do-gooders – how can I ever continue without their protection? – and implement a Plan “B.”

But enough about me … you want to hear about the Browns – and that’s exactly what we’ll do now!

Oh, will you look at that … I’ve gone and used up my bi-weekly allotment of words! Oh heck, I’ve got enough pull here that if I want to write a longer column, I can. No way the Observer editors would simply cut me off right in the middle of a sen–

Jeff Bing

Lifelong Westlake resident who dabbles in writing whenever the real world permits. My forte is humor and horror...What a combo!

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Volume 11, Issue 16, Posted 9:18 AM, 08.20.2019