Can the Browns make the ultimate leap? 2019 season predictions

Okay, gang, now it’s time to (why am I getting a “déjà vu” feeling suddenly?) break down the Cleveland Browns’ 2019 season. (Strange, I used the term “break down.” Perhaps – subconsciously – part of me knows something the other part doesn’t.)

Anyway, before I run out of words prematurely (you should be so lucky) let’s get to the 2019 Browns schedule, and the predicted results …

Game 1: Tennessee Titans. Remember the Titans? Emphatically, “No!” which is precisely why the Browns will clobber this nondescript collection of nobodies in the home opener, 37-17.

Game 2: at New York Jets. Remember the first-ever Monday Night Football game? Well, the Browns played the Jets because the Browns and Jets were good a half-century ago (and it only seems like it’s been that long since the last time the Browns were good). The Jets are improving, but not as much as the Browns. Simply stated, the Browns are “gooder” by a score of 31-24. Record now 2-0.

Game 3: L.A. Rams. This one scares me. Browns giddy at 2-0, Rams still steaming over playoff loss last year. Browns stunned, 20-17. Record now 2-1.

Game 4: at Baltimore. The Ravens are headed in the opposite direction than that of the Browns, and it will be over at halftime. Just the same, the second half will be played (much to the chagrin of Ravens fans) and the Browns win, 44-17. Now 3-1.

Game 5: at San Francisco. The 49ers are on the rise, hopefully Browns don’t regard this as a “gimme” or it will quickly become a “losee.” If they play better than I spell, they sneak out with a 28-24 win. Record now 4-1; Haslam renames Browns Stadium after himself.

Game 6: Seattle. Seahawks are good, but not great. As long as Browns maintain focus, they win 28-21, improving to 5-1. Haslam renames team the Cleveland Jimmys.

Game 7: at New England. After the bye week, Browns wave “bye-bye” to conference’s best record after Patriots bounce ‘em, 38-30. Haslam retracts team’s name change. Record now 5-2.

Game 8: at Denver. Browns on the road again (sing it, Willie) but a bit cantankerous following Patriots loss. Take out frustration on Broncos big-time, 44-24. Record now 6-2. Halfway through the season, Haslam predicts that, at this pace, Browns will win 11 games. Dee buys Jimmy a calculator.

Game 9: Buffalo. Bills still a bottom-feeder, so Browns make ‘em eat and taste everything except victory. Browns in laugher, 31-10. Now 7-2.

Game 10: Steelers. Pittsburgh needs this game desperately to stay close to the Browns; responds with a 21-18 OT thriller over Browns. Browns fall to 7-3; Haslam tries to buy minority ownership in Steelers; Dee reminds Jimmy he already did that.

Game 11: Miami. Browns take out frustration on Dolphins, 30-7 on cold, rainy day at the stadium. (Notice I also predict the weather, too). Now 8-3.

Game 12: at Pittsburgh. Browns find out their bark is worse than their bite. As in frostbite. Browns lose in freezing rain, 14-12. Now 8-4. Showing he has a sense of humor, Haslam suggests Freddie Kitchens “is on thin ice.”

Game 13: Cincinnati. Browns show why they are happy they play the Bengals twice in last 4 games, winning 42-17. Now 9-4. Haslam tries to buy playoff tickets; Dee informs him it’s not necessary when you’re the owner.

Game 14: at Arizona. Browns feel the heat, but it’s from the location and not the opponent. They trounce Cardinals, 33-16. Jimmy flies to St. Louis for the game; Dee informs him the Cardinals moved to Arizona in 1987. Browns now 10-4 and clinch playoff berth.

Game 15: Baltimore. Browns clinch division with thrashing of Ravens, 42-17. Browns now 11-4, Ravens coach John Harbaugh falls to 5-10 and Hue Jackson is rumored to be a possible replacement. Browns fans, understandably, rejoice.

Game 16: at Cincinnati. Browns move to 12-4 with 28-17 victory, a game in which backups play most of the minutes. Hue Jackson dispels rumors about him taking the Ravens job, since he is content working at Paul Brown Stadium in Cincinnati … as a beer vendor. Cheers.

Jeff Bing

Lifelong Westlake resident who dabbles in writing whenever the real world permits. My forte is humor and horror...What a combo!

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Volume 11, Issue 17, Posted 9:49 AM, 09.04.2019