Swimming up the waterfall with Jimmy

At one time or another, I'm sure everyone's seen the video in which a toddler kicks a ball, then bends over to pick up the ball, but in doing so kicks it a few feet farther in front of him. It's hilarious for a while, but you soon wish someone would just go over and show the kid what he's doing wrong, and call it a day. Nevertheless, it goes on, presumably, until sometime in the future when the kid eventually sees the light and solves the problem.

It reminds me very much of Jimmy Haslam's ownership of the Cleveland Browns: Jimmy's the toddler in the scenario above, and the Browns are the ball. The difference? Eventually, even the toddler figures out what's going on. Jimmy? Well, let's just say he's still kickin'.

I understand that rich guys are spoiled and impatient. I get that. I mean, toss a few billion into my lap and see how arrogant and lacking in patience I become. In fact, next to me, I'd probably make Jimmy Haslam look like Mother Teresa (in drag). Yet he still has a legion of supporters. In fact, some of Jimmy's fans have applauded Jimmy's tenacity ... the fact that he "never gives up." Well, geez, neither do carpenter ants, and I don't see anyone giving the ants standing O's.

I often wonder how Jimmy can look at his Browns hiring record – objectively – and not recuse himself from anything that has to do with football operations. Given his lack of patience with virtually everyone he's hired, shouldn't he have lost patience with himself a long, long time ago? Darn straight. If Jimmy the Owner had Jimmy the Browns CEO making decisions about Jimmy the Owner, then Jimmy the Owner would now be Jimmy the Panhandler. Jimmy wouldn't even tolerate himself, folks.

Jimmy keeps claiming that "We're going to keep at it until we get it right." Since his son-in-law is now involved – not to mention Jimmy's wife Dee – they could be at this for generations. Look at all the people he's hired and fired in eight years on the job. The guy's list of ex-executives is so ridiculous, he even has more exes than Liz Taylor did.

You know, I've always held out the hope with Jimmy that – despite his ineptitude – the law of averages (aka "Even a blind squirrel finds a nut" theory) would eventually occur and he'd accidentally stumble onto a good choice or two. I have since given up on that dream for one very simple reason: The blind squirrel named Jimmy will never find the nut, folks, because he is the nut.

Jeff Bing

Lifelong Westlake resident who dabbles in writing whenever the real world permits. My forte is humor and horror...What a combo!

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Volume 12, Issue 3, Posted 9:42 AM, 02.04.2020