A 'totally anonymous interview' with Himmy J.

WBVO: Well, sir, let me first thank you for agreeing to meet with me for a "totally anonymous interview," per your request.

HJ: You're welcome. I thought meeting in the parking lot of a Flying J truck stop would not only be discreet, but also ensure my anonymity.

WBVO: Don’t you think mentioning Flying J might tip your hand?

HJ: Quite candidly, no. It’s not like we’re saying which one we’re at, now are we? Besides, Dee said that as long as I didn’t say anything stupid, I’d be fine.

WBVO: Oh, yeah, I’m sure our readers don’t have any idea so far, but the “Dee” reference might be a bit much …

HJ: No, no, no! You misunderstood what I said. I didn’t mean “Dee” as a person’s name; I meant it as a word as in, “I think the main point dee lady was trying to make was…” See what I mean?

WBVO: Ah, yes, you’re a crafty one indeed, Himmy. You do want me to address you as “Himmy,” correct?

HJ: Absolutely. “Himmy” or “Himmy J.” will be just fine, candidly. I spent a lot of time working on this code, and I can say, quite candidly, no one will figure out my identity.

WBVO: Hmm … How can you be so sure?

HJ: I couldn’t crack the code. And I wrote it.

WBVO: Somehow, that doesn’t surprise me. But why are you so worried about maintaining secrecy with regard to your identity?

HJ: Well, it was Dee’s, er, an advisor’s idea. They though the press was being too negative about my ownership of the Brow, er, let’s just say my “business venture.” But I think worrying about the press is really stupid.

WBVO: Do tell ...

HJ: Well, everyone knows The Press ceased publication in the early '80s, silly. Man, you’re almost as dumb as Dee, er, my advisor. Now, if there was concern about the Plain Dealer or that yo-yo "Ding-a-ling" Bing at the Observer ...

WBVO: Yes, he's a real nut-job. Perhaps we should move on. I hear country music playing on your radio. Who is your favorite singer?

HJ: Johnny.

WBVO: Johnny who?

HJ: Johnny Cash or Johnny Paycheck; can’t decide who.

WBVO: Wow. It’s pretty clear you’re fond of money, no?

HJ: That, and board games.

WBVO: Oh really? Like what?

HJ: I’ve got Easy Money, a Monopoly, a Life.

WBVO: That’s an impressive collection. Have you played Clue?

HJ: No, I just told you! I’ve got Easy Money, a Monopoly, a Life.

WBVO: But you don’t have …

HJ: A Clue. I don’t have a Clue. And write that down so you don’t forget it.

WBVO: You "don’t have a clue." Got it. See, I’m writing it down on “Dee” paper: "Himmy has no clue." I doubt any of our readers would argue that. In fact, I think we should conclude our interview on that note. Thank you, Himmy, for your time. Great job maintaining your anonymity … not to mention your dignity.

Jeff Bing

Lifelong Westlake resident who dabbles in writing whenever the real world permits. My forte is humor and horror...What a combo!

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Volume 12, Issue 5, Posted 10:00 AM, 03.03.2020