Let's play ball! (COVID-19 style)

You say they canceled your baseball season? You say they took away your American pastime of baseball, apple pie, and Cracker Jack? You say you miss it so much you don’t even recall the Dolans ever being “cheapskates?” Is that what’s troubling you, Bunky?

Well, we’re about to change all of that. We’re changing the rules just a bit to adapt them to today’s world, but you can still play ball and maybe even save your (and perhaps someone else’s) keister in the process. Here’s the deal:

You are your own team. First, make up a team name. Sure, you can go with Indians or Tribe or, yikes…Yankees, but this is your chance to be creative. How about the Vaccines, or the Social Distancers, or, if you’re feeling particularly frisky, call yourself the Charmins, and your tag line can be something like, “We’ll wipe out the opposition!” (Who knows … the trash talking might be more fun than the game.)

A “game” consists of your actions from dawn to dusk for a day against one of the other members in your household or group. Rotate against other family members/group as the numbers allow. When you have played a game against every family member, repeat the schedule. Play through the end of April (or longer if desired). Here’s how to “score,” as it were, using common baseball terms:

If you catch your opponent ____”A”____then it means______”B”_____and give yourself ____“C”_____.

1.  A) “going yard”; B) they’ve been caught chatting with a neighbor in the back yard; C) a run scored. Nice job!

2.  A) guilty of “touch ‘em all”; B) they are ignoring social distancing rules and fraternizing with the enemy; C) 3 runs! Your opponent is not very smart!

3.  A) attempting “hit and run”; B) they grabbed someone’s personal bottle of hand sanitizer and took off; C) a run scored! Well played!

4.  A) “tied up”;  B) they are guilty of lagging in their COVID-19 procedures (i.e. ignoring the basics of coronavirus prevention); C) 2 runs! Your opponent is a loser.

5. A) guilty of a “balk”;  B) they momentarily stopped mid-sneeze, but failed to sneeze into a tissue and decorated the family with a spring shower (also known as a “rain delay”); C) give yourself a run and your opponent a box of tissues. Perhaps a few choice words wouldn’t hurt either.

6.  A) being a “closer”; B) they are ignoring the 6-foot rule and subjecting you to potential sickness; C) a run. And take away a run from your opponent for being a doofus. No wonder we’re in trouble, with yo-yo’s like this!

7.  A) committing a “suicide squeeze”; B) they are a chronic “hugger” and simply must hug every relative, kid, or stray cat they lay their eyes on; C) Take away a run from yourself for having a mental lapse and letting this psycho into your house in the first place! You might all be infected now!

Okay, you should have the general idea now. These are only suggestions and the best part will be customizing the game specifically to your family or group (of 5 or less, remember). You need to remember to take this seriously – the saying, “a chain is only as strong as its weakest link” has never had a better application than what we are all facing today – but having some fun with it can help ease the strain of compliance for some folks.

Stay safe – and healthy – folks!

Jeff Bing

Lifelong Westlake resident who dabbles in writing whenever the real world permits. My forte is humor and horror...What a combo!

Read More on Sporting Views
Volume 12, Issue 7, Posted 9:45 AM, 04.07.2020