Dolans’ possible sale of Tribe is rife with serious consequences

I don’t know about you, but I'm getting pretty tired of the “Larry and Paul Show” (otherwise known as “How to ruin a good thing in an effort to make a buck”). You know the drill: 1. Acquire baseball talent via the draft or trade; 2: develop said talent into quality baseball player(s); 3. claim you are losing money and trade talent to (see step 1). Lather – rinse – repeat.

Kinda like a gerbil on a spinning wheel, right? Except the problem is, we – the fans – are the gerbilious yo-yo’s on the Dolans’ spinning wheel (of fortune). “Losing money”? Get serious, now. These guys are in their third decade of “losing money” as owners of the Cleveland Indians. Do you honestly think they’d stick around for that long if they were really in the red all those years? Think about it: the only money actually being “lost” is ours!

But, just for grins, let’s just suppose the Dolans did sell the Indians. Great, right? However, keep in mind that since they’re local guys and all, they would still live in the area, and it stands to reason that they would get involved in something else in the area. Consider the following possibility …

“Hello, Dolan Investments.”

“Hey listen, I invested $50 grand in one of your high-yield funds that promises a 10% annual return for 10 years. I got my first statement, and I actually lost 10%. What gives?”  

“You do.”

“Whaddya mean by that?”

“We took your money and returned 10% to us. Just like we promised. Nowhere does our sales literature say that you are going to get the money. We have expenses too. It’s called 'overhead', bub.”

“Why, you crooks! I’m going to call the cops, and …”

“But there’s good news …”

“Oh yeah, like what?”

“Look at it this way: Since your account is only worth $45 thousand now, we’re only returning $4,500, or 10%, to ourselves. Remember, we have expenses. Since the first year it was a $5,000 “return,” it’s like you will actually gain $500 this year. When you crunch the numbers, it’s pretty clear …”

“Pretty clear you guys are crooks!”

“Listen, you seem like a pretty astute guy. Maybe you simply need other options.”

“I will agree with you 100% as long as one of those options is hiring a hit man.”

“In a way, that’s what you will be doing. See, we want to hook you up with a hit man.”

You guys want me to hire a hit man? Okay, I’ll bite. What are you talking about?”

“For $500, you will have a hit man.”

“$500 clams … for a hit man? That’s pretty cheap.”

“Well, he’s retired …”

“What’s this so-called ‘hit-man’s’ name?”

“Grady Sizemore, and we will part with a Grady Sizemore bobblehead for only $500 dollars. He was one of the best ‘hit-men’ in the American League a couple of decades ago …”

“A bobblehead? For $500? Are you guys insane?”

“How about a Travis Hafner for $350? A Paul Sorrento for $25?”

“Hey Dad, I think the investor hung up. He must have forgotten about the investment we bilked him out of …”

“See, Paul, the bobblehead bit works every time, Son, works every time …”

Jeff Bing

Lifelong Westlake resident who dabbles in writing whenever the real world permits. My forte is humor and horror...What a combo!

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Volume 13, Issue 3, Posted 10:09 AM, 02.02.2021