'Stand Guard' more like 'Caught Off Guard'

So, now that we’ve gotten that whole new Indians name thing out of the way, I only have one question:


The Guardians. Much like a Tristan McKenzie curveball that didn’t, I did not see that one coming. Now, I will be the first to admit that I would have been a tough sell on just about any name after 60-some-odd years of Chief Wahoo and the “Tribe,” but I have to say I am still a bit miffed at the name choice.

The Guardians. Sounds like the name of a garage band from the '60s that never made it out of the garage. Thankfully. Or a bunch of sci-fi superheroes who feel compelled to keep the galaxy free from those Darth Vader-types who seem to show up every decade or so when the focus groups deem us ready for the latest in special effects. (Personally, I’m still impressed by the original Space Invaders video game, which may explain why I can’t let go of the Indians).

The Guardians. You know, those guys who protect Buckingham Palace or whatever and never change the expression on their face no matter what (in an ironic twist, it’s the same face Paul Dolan makes when asked if the team will try to sign an impending free agent. Feel free to insert the name of any Indians star from the last quarter-century who split).

I mean, I get that a growing number of people found the caricature of a Native American offensive; we all knew the change was inevitable. But did we have to go polar opposite to Mr. All Stone Face with a guy who isn’t about to change his expression even if his pants are on fire?

And the logo. I’m not a hockey fan but the first thing that came to mind was the Detroit Red Wings “wing” part of their logo. Look just like the ones on Mr. Stoneface. Can’t we be original in anything?

Which reminds me … if we are going to choose a name that someone else is already using, can’t we at least go outside the city limits to do so? Good grief. Of the bazillion or so names we might have picked, couldn't it at least have been like the Hoboken Guardians, or the Lake Winnipesaukee Guardians, or at minimum, something from a land far, far away?

Of course not. We have to choose one right from within the city limits (speaking of limits, I’m rapidly approaching mine), named the Cleveland Guardians, who happen to be a roller derby team.

Granted, they are not on the nightly news (or at least they weren’t before we decided to heist their name) but that’s not the point here. Are you honestly trying to tell me that the options were so few that there was really no choice but to grab one that was already in use … in the very same town? Really?

Oh, I’m ready to stand guard, alright. I’ll stand guard at the looney bin in which they decide to house Paul Dolan.

Jeff Bing

Lifelong Westlake resident who dabbles in writing whenever the real world permits. My forte is humor and horror...What a combo!

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Volume 13, Issue 15, Posted 9:55 AM, 08.03.2021