What's in a name?
So, if you’ve been reading any of my recent Observer columns, not only are you in the minority, but you’ve probably also noticed that I’m rather excited by the play of the ballclub formerly known as the Indians.
And if you’ve been following the team with any regularity, you’ve probably picked up on something else as well: there are a lot of guys on the team whose names are either vaguely – or totally – unfamiliar.
Not to worry, friend. Typically, the fans of teams that are the youngest in the majors typically suffer from the same general affliction, and I believe the medical term for this is “nameous unfamiliaritis.”
Now, before you go looking for the bottle of calamine lotion and the bag of cotton balls, try to get a grip for a moment and listen to reason: You don’t need meds to rid yourself of the nameous unfamiliaritis demon.
The cure for what ails us is not found in a bottle and doesn’t even require a trip to the local pharmacy, as the cure is simple: player nicknames.
See, you like watching the Guardians because they are representing Cleveland, but you’re also freaking out because you don’t know who you’re rooting for. The players' names are foreign, much like the cast in a poorly dubbed “B” movie.
So how about we come up with some nickname for these guys?
This column, we’ll focus on pitching. Here’s a few I came up with:
Shane Bieber: I know, I know, he’s been traipsing around with “Not Justin” Bieber plastered on his back for a few years now. Anybody else sick of that? How about: “Leave it to Bieber” which is a play on words in reference to the old “Leave it to Beaver” TV show. Admit it: it’s funny. You’re just angry you didn’t come up with it first.
Anthony Castro: Okay, I know what you’re thinking, but “Fidel” is just too easy. So easy, in fact that it’s not funny. How about “Oilo De La Castro”? You know … a play on castor oil. It’s not just funny, it’s genius.
Aaron Civale: Okay, I think this is a real winner: “Civale Libertalies.” Civil Liberties, baby! The judges are all holding up all “10s” for that one. (You’re welcome.)
Enyel De Los Santos: Okay, wait for it … “Clausos De Los Santos” aka, Santa Claus. (Did I just hear a “Ho-ho-ho” out there?)
Triston McKenzie: Triston “The Piston” McKenzie. I know, I know, it sounds like a basketball nickname, or maybe even a boxer’s. But I just like the sound, as it has a poetic ring to it. Sorry, Triston, just deal with it. Someday you’ll thank me. Or maybe punch me.
Eli Morgan: We can’t even think about going in the Eli Whitney direction, so we won’t. I think “Captain Morgan” has a more dignified quality to it, don’t you? And he might get a few endorsement offers from the rum folks if he pitches well. Cheers.
That’s it for this issue, gang. Remember to think up some nicknames for these and other players on the squad. I can’t do all the heavy lifting here.
Lifelong Westlake resident who dabbles in writing whenever the real world permits. My forte is humor and horror...What a combo!