How low can he go?

Once upon a time a very wise man (and that would be me, of course), said that the only time Clevelanders are ever happy about a draft is when it comes from the tap of a local brewery.

I’ve been intensely scrutinizing the Browns’ current plight (which, ironically, also happens to be their previous plight) in which they once again are spinning their wheels – albeit unsuccessfully – trying to get out of the neverending cycle of sub-mediocre (and those are the “good” years) football.  

Art Modell, despised in Cleveland as a less-than-ideal owner since, like, forever ago, never had much success with the NFL draft.

In this crazy world we live in, somehow the current owner, who has been at it since 2012 with only brief hiccups of success, is still in the “honeymoon” stage of his (already) lengthy tenure in Cleveland.

Like Uncle Artie, Jimmy Haslam wouldn’t know a good draft choice if it came up and bit him in his money-counting hand (oh, wait, when it comes to counting the fans' money, he’s ambidextrous).

For every Mack Mitchell that Art drafted, Jimmy drafted Justin Gilbert. And he doubled the pleasure by drafting Johnny Manziel the very same year.

And if Jimmy could bring us Corey Coleman, well step aside and let Art introduce Chip Banks.

Of course, Art could make up for his error by bringing in Mike “Mad Dog in a Meat Market” Junkin, and Jimmy would counter with Barkevious Mingo.

I could go on and on – and more often than not, I do. However, since I do have a compassionate side to me (and it’s stipulated in my shock probation agreement that I will be compassionate – even to Browns fans), I will stop here.

Well, almost

My last comment (hold the applause, folks), before I leave you to your thoughts: Randy Lerner, the guy who inherited the Browns after his father, Al, passed, openly admitted to knowing nothing about football, and openly admitted to being way more interested in his soccer team than the Browns. Naturally, Browns fans took issue with Lerner’s honesty (very unbecoming of an NFL owner, you know) and openly pleaded that Lerner sell the team to somebody – anybody – lest we sink deeper into the depths of football purgatory.

Enter the guy on the white stallion – Jimmy Haslam III – all primed and ready to save football in Cleveland, for Cleveland.

Now, Mr. “We’re going to keep working on this until we get it right” Haslam has been so busy saving football here that many of you might not be aware of this, but…

In Randy Lerner’s 10 years as owner of the Browns, the team won a total of 56 games.

In Jimmy’s first 10 years as owner of the Browns, the team won 52 games, four less than the guy who spells football “f-u-t-b-o-l.”

All I can say is, ”I-m-p-r-e-s-s-i-v-e.”

Remember that when Jimmy raises your ticket prices again next spring. At least he excels at something.

Jeff Bing

Lifelong Westlake resident who dabbles in writing whenever the real world permits. My forte is humor and horror...What a combo!

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Volume 15, Issue 13, Posted 8:41 AM, 07.18.2023